Confession. I've been concealing my truth again. I've been in a mental funk for a good four months, and I think it's because I'm not being transparent. Or the super cool buzzword...authentic. We live in a FB edited world, and tend to only show the happy times as if that is real life. But, in all honesty, I wanted to give everyone a break.
Cancer is exhausting, for both the patient and their support team, and mine was an especially long journey. At the beginning when meeting new doctors they would comment on my age, that has since morphed into boy you've had a bumpy road.
After chemo everyone has the same response, "So you're done, right. It's over. You're cured!? Remission?" I've always been particularly slow at answering the last two. Because in many ways, after chemo, the real battle begins. You have a parade of people supporting you during chemo, because it's an obvious physical weakness, but you are very much alone in the scan stage. The mental strength it takes to push through that anxiety, for me, has been an incredible struggle.
At the end of May, I had my first true post-chemo scan. They noted a tiny spot on my right lung. After further testing, inactive PET/too small to biopsy, my oncologist decided on a wait-and-see approach. The scan immediately following our vacation at the end of August showed growth as well as a small spot on the left lung, and a biopsy was ordered. Though the results were not 100% definitive, because once again they didn't retrieve a large enough sample, it's likely metastasis.
So there you go...
It's back.
I knew from the start this was a possibility. While I avoid statistics, because of my dad, I am aware. It's painful. To think of yourself in terms of a percentage instead of a human being. The places your mind wonders. It's not for the faint of heart. But I also know the God that created this body is the ultimate decider, and no matter the statistics, this journey is completely out of my control. No kale diet. No aloe juice. No alkaline water. No medicine. No doctor has or ever will cure cancer.
Think about it. Right now doctors are researching and experimenting with a way to use HIV to cure some late stage cancers. That's a dumbed down version, but yeah. HIV. The disease some claimed God sent to "kill off the gays" is actually being used to save lives. The very disease that brought people to their knees asking why God would send such a terrible illness, may lead to saving far more lives than that which it has taken. Friends. If something like HIV can be made into something beautiful, think about that in terms of our own lives. With time and renewed perspective, we can make anything beautiful. Except spiders.
Going forward. Treatment will be SBRT (radiation). While others may receive daily radiation, SBRT is able to hit the lesions with multiple angles therefore receiving higher dosage requiring fewer treatments. Side effects are minimal, fatigue and possible esophageal irritation. I've already gone through the initial scan, and today I had my "world" tattoos (if you watch Friends, you know). Then, after we return from vacation, the fun starts.
So, it's time for me to warrior up.
Again.
I am
sad.
I am angry.
And, at times,
I am weak.
Very, very weak.
But never
doubt my strength.
Still smiling.
Still laughing.
Still...
and knowing.
Psalms 46:10
