Fair warning. This one is long. Go ahead grab some popcorn, make a cocktail, put the kids to bed, take a pee break (if you're not already reading this while on the throne). I'll wait...
...no really, the cocktail was for me.
First, let me clear up a little confusion. My last social media post was a bit confusing. By posting I was "at Emory" some people believed I had been admitted, when in fact we were there for our consultation per my last update. Just a visit. Not a sleepover.
Secondly, I'm going to lay down some quick knowledge. While everyone is "aware" of cancer, very few seem to understand the basics like staging. Maybe it's time for a generic cancer education month. In all honesty, I avoided putting it out there because I was so fiercely protective of the words I spoke. While I struggled to remain positive, I didn't feel it was my responsibility to educate. The information is out there. It takes 3.6 seconds to google.
But here we are. Walking down the road I mentally prepare for but never verbalized.
By definition, Stage 4 means medically incurable. BEFORE YOU EVEN START: That's not to say there are not Stage 4 cancer survivors. I'm saying in order to survive, you need a miracle. Because of medical advances in cancer treatments many diagnosed Stage 4 are thriving and living longer than ever before. As long as they have a chemo drug that holds off growth, and the researchers keep pushing out new/improved/effective treatments; more choose to view Stage 4 as chronic versus terminal.
And that has been my mindset. I have chronic cancer knowing complete healing will only come from God. Some of you may have even picked up on my word. I refer to myself as a cancer "warrior" versus "survivor" because my fight would continue after chemo. Survivors quickly return to their old life with little effect. Warriors may return to their old life in small ways, but continue to float back into the cancer universe be it lifelong side effects or additional treatment.
Currently the cancer cells reside in two lymph nodes on my left upper abdomen, and a new spot on my spine L4 vertebrae (lumbar). Inoperable.
I need a miracle.
Medically I will restart chemo, and be on it for the rest of my life. Chemo is not the cure. God is the cure. Chemo gives me time. Maybe enough time to see Joe Biden's cancer moonshot find the medical cure for cancer. Chemo until God gifts me with a NED (no evidence of disease) or the chemo stops working, at which time we move to the next available treatment and pray it is equally effective.
Thankfully I will be able to continue treatment at my oncologist's office in Duluth. (((Volunteers please see last paragraph.))) The plan is to restart my previous chemo regiment (the easier two chemo drug concoction) FolFiri because it has already proven effective. Currently I'm weighing a choice of biologic that will be paired with chemo. Avastin or Erbitux. One google search for "erbitux rash" and you see the dilemma. Given my skin sensitivity and anytime they say only 10% chance, I fall within that 10%, we're leaning towards Avastin.
Have I wrapped my head around this? Not in the slightest. No matter how prepared, it doesn't make reality easier to digest. Just as one goes through the stages of grief, I imagine it will be the same. Ever so slightly more steps forward than back. I expect I'm going to make an ass of myself (more than once). And I will find a place of acceptance and peace in a much different way than friends and family members.
This feels like the most discombobulated post I've ever written. I generally try to focus on the good, but some days I get bogged down with what cancer has stolen. That part hurts. Life is very different from what I had envisioned.
I'm grateful for your continued prayers.
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VOLUNTEERS: Yes, even though chemo is local we still need help! The less time Fred spends with me at doctors offices, the more time the two of us have together AWAY from cancer. Fred will prioritize and attend post-scan appointments, but your gift of transportation is a massive blessing! I will be setting up a Care Calendar, if you're familiar with Meal Train it is a similar concept. I can request/schedule transportation, meals, or simply set visiting hours. Chemo is scheduled to restart January 30th, so looks for a post on FB within the next week. (Thanks to Andrea for the recommendation!)
